I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I need a burrito and a hug.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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