3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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