My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
