I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
