if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
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