tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize