I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
