My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
