Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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