I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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