Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
