I swear god or herbie drove my car home
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
40s are totally the cure
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
