no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
