Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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