my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
