bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
