I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
