Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
