she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Randomize
