I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
