Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Randomize
