i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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