I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Let's get the cat blown out
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
