He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
