dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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