I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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