Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
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