You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
