I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize