That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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