Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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