Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize