Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
