I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
