I will die if light touches me.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
My cat gives me a boner
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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