I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
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