I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
