Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
