I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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