So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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