So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Randomize
