I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
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