can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
im having a threesome with these popsicles
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Randomize
