i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
