I only kidnapped one of them. chill
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
