so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
