Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Randomize
