It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize