Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
