Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
is that a dick in a sweater?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I enjoy the company of your penis
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
