You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Randomize
