so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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