Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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