I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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