she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
