My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
