Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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