I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
