I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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