Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
