guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
