Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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