my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
