Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
