While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
