I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
