I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
