weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
