____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
