You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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