you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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